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 Made me chuckle

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jooli
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jooli

Posts : 4318
Join date : 2010-03-29

Made me chuckle Empty
PostSubject: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeFri Feb 14, 2014 8:57 am

..... and on the subject of romance on this Valentines Day ....

Roses are red
They sell them in the shops
My love for you is like the rain
It never bloody stops !

 flirty  brolly


( Not one of mine unfortunately .... Matt cartoon in the Telegraph x )
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where's the remote
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where's the remote

Posts : 5077
Join date : 2011-06-02

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeFri Feb 14, 2014 6:05 pm

My valentine chuckles:

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Kalliopi
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Kalliopi

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Location : By the sea

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeSat Feb 15, 2014 12:12 pm

Alex get's my vote, obviously a guy with a great sense of fun  smile 

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Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those that matter don't mind. And those that mind don't matter.
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where's the remote
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where's the remote

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeWed Feb 19, 2014 4:16 pm

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notwal
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notwal

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeThu Feb 20, 2014 6:43 am

Two guys were out fishing and one gets out a cigarette and can't find his lighter so he asks his friend for a light. His friend hands him the biggest lighter he had seen, asks his friend where did you get this 10 inch Bic lighter. His friend said from my tackle box genie. I just asked and he gave me my wish. He asked if the genie would grant him a wish, his friend said he would have to ask the genie.
The friend opens his tackle box and out pops this genie,he asked if he could have a wish, the genie said okay just on.The guy whispered to the genie what he wanted, after a few minutes the sky grew dark and a loud noise of a million wings could be heard. The guy got mad and hollered ,I said a million bucks not a million ducks. that's when his friend said ,what did you expect, you think I asked for a 10 inch Bic.

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notwal
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notwal

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeFri Feb 21, 2014 7:07 am

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
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yongesisland
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yongesisland

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeSat Feb 22, 2014 4:16 pm

Sedgey: Had to thank you for the Ronnie Barker bit. I've seen and read it several times, always laugh like an idiot every single time. I've copied it and printed it for my daughter, who, although she's too young to know who RB was, she will certainly appreciate this.
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simmo
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simmo

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeSun Feb 23, 2014 4:21 pm

Look closer.  smile 

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sedgey
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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeMon Feb 24, 2014 12:05 pm

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edradour
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edradour

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeFri Mar 07, 2014 7:49 pm

My Little SatNav

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
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Kalliopi
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Kalliopi

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeSat Mar 08, 2014 6:33 pm

rofl

______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those that matter don't mind. And those that mind don't matter.
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pen5
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pen5

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeSat Mar 08, 2014 9:11 pm

Eee, what a cracker.  lol 
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jimm
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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeSun Mar 09, 2014 11:02 am

Benstack,whatever you do,do not be tempted to stick your finger through the mess,you will get a hell of a shock.
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notwal
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notwal

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeMon Mar 10, 2014 6:37 am

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group,

"It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used." ..........................

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pen5
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pen5

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeMon Mar 10, 2014 7:40 am

wagfinger   winkgrin 
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simmo
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simmo

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeThu Mar 13, 2014 6:59 pm

A young lady walks into a supermarket, on her way round
she sees the bloke who she took home for a night of passion the previous evening,after they had met in a pub.


He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.


"You lying toad" she yells"
last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"


"No" he says "I told you I was
a member of the Ariel display team" …..
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notwal
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notwal

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeSat Mar 15, 2014 8:55 am

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

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Kalliopi
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Kalliopi

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeSun Mar 16, 2014 7:10 pm

That's a good 'un notgwal laugh

______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those that matter don't mind. And those that mind don't matter.
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notwal
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notwal

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeTue Mar 18, 2014 6:22 pm

The wedding date was set and groom's 3 friends - a Carpenter, an Electrician and a Doctor were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The Carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would be fun...
The Electrician decided to wire the bed with current, of course...
The Doctor wouldn't commit himself, but promised it would be memorable...
The wedding went as planned and a few days later, each of the Groom's buddies received the following note :

Dear Friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed..
The electric shock was only a minor setback..

But I'm going to kill whoever had put Local Anaesthesia in the Condom!

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benstack
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benstack

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeWed Mar 19, 2014 10:23 am

didn't know if this should be in the  birds animals insects etc thread  laugh 

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and
a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork,
miss?  I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was
from a shag on the beach..!!!"
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GGSS
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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeWed Mar 19, 2014 12:08 pm

It wasn't just a lark was it?
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yongesisland
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yongesisland

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeThu Mar 20, 2014 3:26 pm

Nice one, Benny! Wonder if it was Sharon............. smile
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skip
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skip

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeWed Mar 26, 2014 6:14 pm

A plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was  awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely, she was going berserk!!!
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped.
Then, he spoke...






"Iron this for me darling -- and then get me a beer!"
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benstack
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benstack

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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeWed Apr 02, 2014 8:57 pm

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS :

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE TOO!!!!!



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yongesisland
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PostSubject: Re: Made me chuckle   Made me chuckle Icon_minitimeWed Apr 02, 2014 10:00 pm

And they breed!!! cuddle 
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